Exercising My Righ┼, Lif┼ing The Floor

OK, first part of me opening up.

Back in secondary school, I remember leading quite a number of teams. Granted, all the teams were academic project teams but still, I always got the job. Partly could be due to no one else was interested, but I believe also partly coz I had some sort of leadership skills.

The funny thing is: I always tried to not be the leader. I remember leading a very ‘under the radar’ life after secondary school. Needless to say, I didn’t lead any groups after that. By choice, mind you. After seeing both sides of the fence, I gotta say; I guess I’m not really a follower kinda guy.

Only problem is, I’m a more lead by example kinda guy. I would be the ‘go to’ leader who has my own ideas and my own way of doing things. I have my own plans and will lead others by direction. I’d listen to the opinions of others but in the end, it would be my decision.

The funny thing, I’d rather it be a democracy. Everyone pitch in, everyone brings out ideas, everyone taking responsibility. I’d much rather have a group that works with or without a leader. The kind of group that works together instead of looking to 1 to lead.

I’m coming to a realization though that most of the time (especially in Malaysia), people look to a leader. Rather, that has been my experience. Whenever I’ve looked for feedback, chances are it all comes from me in the end. Either that’s the norm, or God is purposely putting me in such groups so that I’d accept that I’m that kinda leader.

Oh well… I’ve always believe that people should just accept who they are. Guess it’s time for me to accept that I’m that kind of leader. And especially, that I’m a leader! Bleh…

A friend commented recently that I don’t reveal much of myself. I guess that’s true to a certain extent. A lot of what I’ve been through, I think only those who were with me would know about it. Actually, majority of the girls I’ve come to know has said that at first glance, they all thought I was a good boy. Course, sadly they were mistaken.

Personally, I prefer to know more about those around me than for me to tell others about me. It’s not that I don’t like to tell others about me, I just rather conversations not be about me. Maybe it’s because I was famous in school for being a teacher’s son. I’ve never liked the limelight, never did like being the center of attention. I’d rather help others reach the limelight.

Don’t get me wrong; I love to interact and the know more people. I just aren’t very talkative. So, it’s a learning process as I learn to hold conversations. Course, it doesn’t help that I like it to be one-way. I really am not very comfortable just talking about me and my life simply because I don’t feel that it’s significant. Or rather, very few of it was significant to talk about.

Course, that means that others don’t really get to know the whole me. They don’t really know what I’ve done, where I’ve been, who I’ve met or what I’ve gone through. Added with the fact that I don’t really have a group of friends who stuck with me through everything I did… well, you know the result.

I don’t know. How should I be more open? Should I talk more about myself? That’s very, very, very hard. Or should I involve friends in more parts of my life? Oh well…